I can’t stress enough how much I miss football, we are so close. (Preseason does not count) I had my first fantasy draft last night and I was sweating like a whore in church waiting to draft Patty Mahomes in the 10th round. That’s when I knew I had a problem.

Anyhow, if I’m lucky I have the Mets to hold me over until the opening Thursday the pigskin is thrown. This is not one of those years, it never is. So what have I done to kill the time besides re live my flag football glory days while dropping dump passes into the toilet? I’ve taken a liking for the LLWS. 

It sounds weird, watching 12 year olds play baseball while simultaneously rooting for the pitcher to struggle and start crying on the mound. 

There’s no crying in baseball!!’ Yeah except for when “12 year old” Pablo from Team Spain hits a tater 450 off you and your Dad/Coach comes for a mound visit and tries to console the team while mic’d up. “Cmon guys keep playing your hearts out! We got this!” Shut the fuck up, man. 

But besides the pure excitement my online book provides for these games, the in game interviews and fun facts are the best part. Yes I care that little Timmy from Georgia plays fortnite during his free time and his favorite song is Hatchback Honey by Wayne Jetski. Now that I know his music choice, clearly he gets laid which means he’s loose and ready to play come game time. So now I can confidently throw a stack on his team to win. It’s science.

It’s also fun to know that at 12 years old I was doing the same thing as these fuck nuggets. Picking my nose, eating it, and throwing shutouts on the mound. Except I didn’t have ESPNS Jessica Mendoza interviewing me asking what my favorite subject in school is. (thank god, she sucks)