There are few people alive who can transfix an audience of whites quite like Dave Matthews. He is the King of Caucas, a Lord of the Yacubians, a Giant among the Gentiles . I’ve been to one DMB concert in my short 23 years, and it was truly a mesmerizing experience. He was a maestro on stage, swaying back and forth like a reed in the marsh, as he jammed on and on for what seemed like an eternity of pure alt rock bliss. Then all the mushrooms I ate wore off and I realized I was shirtless in the middle of PNC Arts Center flailing my arms like one of those tube things outside a car dealership and I scurried off to my buddies car, but it was a great time nonetheless.

Although I knew of the immense power that DMB had over us rice-skinned folk, I kind of always pigeon holed him as a one dimensional act. Sure, within his genre he was the best of the best, but Dave never really came across as someone who could break cultural barriers, or dabble in quote un quote “urban” music. Lo and behold I was poorly mistaken, it turns out in addition to absolutely jamming the funk out on the good old guitar, Dave Matthews can spit fuggin BARS. Just last week he hopped on Jimmy Fallon and re made acoustic covers of today’s biggest rap hits and my mind was blown faster than a 19 year old P.A. on the set of House Of Cards.

Although Jimmy Fallon may be the most unfunny “funny” guy in all of Hollywood, and came very close to ruining this bit with whatever British version of Rosie O’Donnel he was trying to portray, by god did the acoustic crooning of Mr. Matthews save the day. Listen, I’m a suburban white kid who very closely resembles Ellen Degeneres had she been cycling on and off creatine for the last 2 years, and I make rap music so my tastes are different than most of the pale variety, but I think one thing we can all come to agreement on is that Dave Matthews sings other peoples rap songs better than other people sing their rap songs.

I’m a fan of Lil Pump purely based off the fact that he is an absurd cartoon character of a human being who trolled his way into an $8 Million dollar record deal, but his songs are garbage. Hot garbage, but garbage nonetheless.

Dave’s rendition of Pump’s smash hit “Gucci Gang” turned what was previously an expletive laced ode to Xanax and overpriced jewlery to an ambient, soulful tale of a rich artesian man who just can’t seem to find a woman to love him for his warm personality instead of his money.

As he sang I saw the image of a man who lives out his remaining years in a perpetual state of false joy. Wining and dining spoiled valley girls to fill the empty hole in his heart, he drowns them in designer clothing and sprinkles the finest of pure Colombian cocaine into their bare buttholes before bedding them. Passionless and cold, there is no eye contact made or kissing during these encounters, just a few vigorous thrusts, a few half hearted slaps on the behind, and a short, silent climax by both parties. An Uber is then called, and man and woman part ways, never to hear from each other again.

If you were unable to curate that mental-imagery I urge you to listen again. I truly hope this will lead to a new side career for Dave Matthews. Maybe he will develop a new alter ego to continue dabbling in hip hop, similar to Garth Brook’s “Chris Gaines” phase.

Maybe not, actually….That was really weird for all parties involved. Whatever, all though we may not need a “Lil Dave” in our lives, its pretty impressive that this guy is talented enough to take music on the complete opposite side of the spectrum than his work and flip it into something that sounds that good. Big ups to Dave, I’ll be on the lookout for the real full length mixtape in the future.

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