I love a good scary movie. There’s nothing like gathering around the TV with your buddies after a few rips of the old cheeba and frightening yourselves to the point of pants pissing. I watch em all: Saw, The Conjuring, Insidious, hell I might even throw a little Bride Of Chucky in there to lighten the mood. But in all my time watching gore filled filth, I have never come across something so disturbing as the trailer you are about to watch. I present to you “Handjob Cabin”
I may be behind the 8 Ball on handjob horror flicks as this trailer was released in 2015, but regardless of it’s timing this shit is bananas, no pun intended. It starts off just like every other creepy cabin in the woods horror movie; douchebag college kids travel off the beaten path to a dusty log cabin in the woods for a few nights of light beer and premarital relations, but lo and behold there are supernatural forces at work. However, the supernatural forces in “Handjob Cabin” aren’t your typical demons, ghouls or goblins, but far worse and far more weird.
I’m talking about Handjob Demons. A Remorseless, sweaty palmed, flaky skinned Handjob Demon that will stop at nothing to tug the skin off your peter with such vigor that you loose your life to relentless chafing. Talk about a brutal way to go out. Handjobs were always like heelys to me; cool as fuck when you’re 13, but after that inconvenient and uncomfortable. Would you like to be sliding around the college quad on a pair of sneakers with a goddamn wheel in the back? No. And you sure as hell wouldn’t want some 22 year old chick tugging on your pickle over the pants like shes buffing out scuffs on a candlestick.
Post high school hand jobs are a penis hate crime and there is simply no space for them in 2018. Watching this trailer made me feel a pain in my abdomen that I haven’t experienced since was forced to watch the BME Pain Olympics back in the eighth grade, which is also the last time I was ever happy to receive an OTPHJ. The director of this fake trailer is both a sicko and a genius, and I will for sure be checking underneath my bed tonight for the handjob demon. Protect your hang downs boys, you never know when they are in danger.